Home Security

It has been twelve days since the Great Move. I have unpacked, gone on a weekend retreat, survived a hail storm, made chicken curry, blown up a car and purchased a new one. I have affectionately named him (yes, this car is a male) Hank Lanyott. I have even managed to put in some work hours. Clearly, the last several days have been full of physical and emotional upheaval.



Key for me is the issue of security, the feeling that, generally, everything is okay and the world is not a scary place. In spite of moving in with a good friend, I don't feel secure. I am not in my own space. I recently made the decision to file for disability, which is completely counter to my family culture of never needing help and working full time (or more) to earn as much money as possible. My relationship with my family remains tenuous and distant. I don't believe I can trust them with my feelings or my resources because they seem to be wrapped up in their own lives. (I recently "sold" my sister a refrigerator, for which I have not seen a dime.) Even the outpouring of love and support from my friends is simultaneously a joyous and overwhelmingly alien experience.



Living in insecurity is frightening and depressing. My insecurities and the accompanying feelings of mistrust overwhelm me much of the time, making me generally a less pleasant person to be around. A friend who falls asleep in the afternoon when she promised to help me do something is not a simple faux pas to my subconscious. It brings to mind the dozen or so broken promises my mother made to me while I was growing up. Living with a roommate reminds me of the three other times my roommates' chaos sent my life spinning into a turmoil of its own. Even buying my current car (which is running fine, save for minor touchiness of reverse gear) gave me memories of so many times I have purchased something another person recommended, only to find I have been tricked or taken advantage of in some way.

Boy, on paper I sound quite paranoid. The truth is, I probably am. I haven't yet learned in my heart that, just because one situation goes bad it doesn't mean that every situation similar will end the same way. My mother broke promises, my sister broke promises. That doesn't mean a good friend will do the same. My friend succumbed to the body's natural need for sleep. That doesn't mean she is going to abandon or ignore me. The car I bought from a dealer turned out to be a piece of crap that blew up after only six or seven months. That doesn't mean Hank won't be a reliable ride for many years to come (he does have 176,000 miles on him, so let's not get crazy). In my rational, analytical mind I can see all these things. It's just that the emotional side of me has a long way to catch up.

So for now, I am keeping the coloring books handy for those times when I am feeling overwhelmed and mistrustful when there is no reason to be. It is time for me to start slowly building my own sense of security, be it at home or anywhere else.

Settling down

Three days ago a bunch of friends from church showed up at my apartment, and in three hours had all my stuff moved to either storage or to my new home, Kathy's house. Since that time I have had to rearrange almost every aspect of my life to accomodate my new surroundings, including another dog and no wi-fi until Kathy can remember or reset the password.

First, I am very thankful to all the people who have helped and continue to help me through this very tumultuous time. On Saturday I wasn't able to thank properly all the people who helped me move. I tried as hard as I could to keep it together, but in the end I found myself hiding in a back room hugging my cat and crying my eyes out while everyone else got the rest of my stuff unloaded and went on their way. Thank you cards are definitely in order.

I hate that I can't keep myself under control for a simple move, or that the kindness of friends still overwhelms me with mixed feelings of gratitude and unworthiness. My good friend has opened up her home to me with no hesitation, sharing her beautiful surroundings as a place for me to recenter and decide what the next step should be. For now, I content myself with "nesting", cooking meals, unpacking and organizing my surroundings and hoping that a feeling of security and safety might find me in this new environment.

Busy Busy Busy

I just slammed a fistful of happy pills, and I am ready to hit the ground running! I caught a break this morning when my client called in sick. Suddenly I have an entire day free to do whatever I want. OK...that's a lie. I have an entire day to do what I NEED to do before I bid this apartment goodbye. I have to make my car payment, cash some checks, do my invoices, find a storage place, look for an area rug and curtain, pack, get flea preventative for my dog, and remember to harvest my agave on my virtual farm! And people wonder why I can't shut off my brain.

You wanna know what the last thing that really tripped me out was? I forgot to feed my dog on my virtual farm, and she ran away! Now she is in the virtual pound, and I don't have the 2 farmbucks I need to get her out. I have almost a million coins, but no...the pound wants FARMBUCKS! So my poor computer puppy sits in doggy jail until either 2 farmbucks magically appear in my Farmville account, or the programmers decide to let people use coins to let owners bail their puppies out of the pound. I couldn't keep track of feeding a computer puppy? And I'm actually sad about it? How screwed up is that???? Forget that I only lack three bricks to finish my nursery (which I don't really know why I started building, except people started sending me building materials for it). My poor virtual puppy is in jail! And to make matters worse, people are still sending me kibble and treats!!!

OK...back to reality. Thank you for letting me go off on that happy little tangent. Good thing it's time to go see my therapist. :)