My family doesn't mourn losses, at least, not in any traditional sense. When grandma died, grandpa had her cremated without any sort of memorial service. Instead the family gathered at grandpa's house and ate a big chicken dinner. When mom died, we made ribs. Their ashes were placed in the china cabinet in the dining room to collect dust. No one has spoken of either of them since.
As for me, when grandma died, I drank pretty hard for about a year. When mom died, I took a portion of her ashes and placed them in the flower garden in front of my house (which I am now selling, but at least the garden is growing strong.) I don't think I have taken care of myself properly since then.
Now I am faced with grieving many losses at the same time, and it is devestating me. I lost the innocence of my childhood when I was five. I lost my dream of being a musician when I was 12 and my grandparents wouldn't let me be in band. I lost my college dream of attending OCU so I could study French and German (it didn't and doesn't matter what the practical applications of such study are or are not!) I've lost boyfriends, girlfriends, best friends. Now I am losing my health, my career, my house and perhaps even my sanity.
These days, I cry bitterly during every therapy session. I leave drained, exhausted. I try my hardest to put the memories that have been brutally dragged up from the dark recesses of my soul. I wonder why I couldn't just leave them buried, but I know there is no "getting over it"; I must go through. I just wish I knew when I will be able to see the other side.
Although I know I have friends that are working so hard to keep me from falling, my sense of security is gone. I feel exposed, as if every bad memory, every weakness, every shame, is being laid out for the world to see. The internal judge that tells me I am unworthy, unloveable and useless is screaming against all this new, strange love and support my friends are pouring on me these days. They tell me I am loved, that I am capable, that I am beautiful (even typing this word brings me to tears). I pray that, maybe if I hear these words long enough, I might begin to believe...
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Christa, I had not realized what you had gone through. Wish I'm there to share with you. Like we have talk with each other back in '93... Wow, has it been that long? We've been in touch with each other when not busy. You are loved and I know you are capable. You are beautiful as still love you as friend. I am glad to have you as my dear, wonderful friend.
ReplyDeleteLove you,
Henry
Chris...My Sistah!!! I love you and want you to know that...yeah yeah,no warm fuzzy from me...you are more like my blood sister than my actual blood sister. I will do anything I can to make you feel well again. You know you can talk to me about ANYTHING and I will not judge and will always try to help you fix whatever it may be. You, my dear friend and sister, are very loved and appreciated.
ReplyDeleteYou're beautiful, sister!
ReplyDeleteYou are very smart and beautiful just take things one day at a time, things will get better Tony and I love you very much and are always here if you need us. I here night or day you also have a niece and nephew that adore their Aunt Chris!!! Love ya girl keep you head up it will all work out!
ReplyDeleteFor me, there are feelings that can't be explained by memories. That can be its own challenge. I have acted as an archeologist, trying to unearth unremembered fragments, then gave it up, decided to trust what I know in my gut. It's a blessing to be getting to know you.
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